He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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