He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
