I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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