I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
