Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
