i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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