You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
