we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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