May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
