I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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