my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
