Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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