I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
