I seem to have left my pride at pride
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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