Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
