Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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