I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
