You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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