Barsexuality is the new black.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
