I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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