Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
