I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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