I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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