So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
