Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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