Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
