I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
