It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
