I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
