my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
