My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
