Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
