Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize