currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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