If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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