I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
