My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Couch. On fire.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
