sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
