So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
