An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Randomize
