tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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