It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Everyone says I win the strip club
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
