I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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