I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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