It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
