he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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