i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
