He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Will exercising make me less horny?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
