Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
