I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
