I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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