I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
