Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
