We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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