You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
