Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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