Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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