u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
