if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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