So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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