Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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