He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i was born a porn star she said
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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