Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
