i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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