did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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